Understanding
by Obi the Kid
Summary: Pre-TPM. Non-Slash. Obi-Wan tries to understand a close friend's battle with depression. (Obi-Wan is 16. Taj is 18.)
1. Default Chapter

TITLE: Understanding  
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)  
RATING: PG  
SUMMARY: Pre-TPM. Non-Slash. Obi-Wan tries to understand a close friend's battle with depression. (Obi-Wan is 16. Taj is 18.)  
ARCHIVE: This story is not available for archiving.  
FEEDBACK: Always appreciated.  
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DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.  
  
NOTE: This is in many ways, a true story. For all intensive purposes here, Obi-Wan is me. Writing has always been a good release. It allows a person to get out all those pent up feelings and emotions that you just can't share with others. I by no means an expert on Depression. But from conversations with my friend about what they battle with every day, and in knowing my own feelings when I am in the position that Obi-Wan is put into in this story...this is how it's come out. Just knowing this person for the few years that I have, has given me a much greater understanding and respect for those who struggle with Depression. But as Obi-Wan finds out in this story...he is still learning. As am I.   
  
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Understanding  
===============  
  
"Master, have you ever had a time when someone who you thought was your friend just stopped talking to you?"  
  
"No, not that I recall."   
  
Qui-Gon Jinn approached his apprentice who was lounging in a large chair. The boy stared thoughtfully out the window of their apartment. The master sensed a certain sadness in the air.   
  
"Oh."  
  
That abbreviated answer, combined with the solemn mood immediately alerted Qui-Gon that all was not well with his apprentice at the moment.  
  
"What's wrong, Padawan?"  
  
"Taj won't talk to me." He suddenly blurted out. "I've tried everything. I've sent him comm messages. I sent notes through my data pad. I even tried to talk to Master Jerra when I saw him in the dining hall yesterday, but he left before I could get to him. I can't get him to answer any of my messages."  
  
"When's the last time you spoke with him?"  
  
"Over a week ago. We had lunch together and that was it. Nothing since. I don't know what happened between us. Did I do something to hurt him? Say something wrong? I don't understand why he won't talk to me." He finished the thought in an exasperated rush.  
  
"Could he be sick? Did he seem ill when you saw him last?"  
  
Obi-Wan shrugged. "Maybe he looked a little tired. But he didn't say anything was wrong. And he's been sick before and he's never completely ignored me like this. If he's sick, why can't he just send me a message and say that? Why does he have to do this? It's almost as if I don't exist anymore. Like I don't matter in his life. I thought we were friends. That he could talk to me about anything. Master..." Emotion filled the young voice and he had to stop himself before he lost further control.  
  
Moving behind the chair, Qui-Gon placed his hands on the boy's shoulders and massaged them gently. "Relax, Obi-Wan. You're getting yourself all worked up over this. You and Taj have been close friends for a long time now. I am sure there is some reason behind his actions." Qui-Gon then remembered that he would see Taj's master in a few hours. Perhaps he could take a few moments and talk to his old friend. "I have a meeting with the council this evening with several other masters. Jerra is among them. Would you like me to ask him about Taj?"  
  
A hopeful look crossed Obi-Wan's face as he turned his head to where Qui-Gon was still standing behind him. "Would you, Master? I'm worried about him. And about our friendship. I don't want to lose Taj as a friend. But I don't know what else to do."  
  
"Let me see what I can find out, okay?"  
  
"Thank you, Master."   
  
At once Qui-Gon felt some of the tension in the slight shoulders lessen. "You need to find something to refocus yourself, Obi-Wan. You're letting this consume you right now. I can feel it."  
  
"I'm sorry, Master. I know I shouldn't let it bother me as it has. Maybe I should meditate."  
  
"Good idea. I will meditate with you. I have a feeling it might help you to settle easier if you have company."  
  
"Thank you, Master," he whispered before moving to the balcony and kneeling to a position that was most comfortable for him. Qui-Gon sat nearby and together they withdrew from their worries and became absorbed into the comfort of the Force.  
  
~*~  
  
The meeting adjourned from the council chambers, Qui-Gon stepped up his pace to catch Jerra before the other master got to far down the hall. He seemed in a hurry.   
  
"Jerra!"  
  
Jedi Master Jerra Derson, tall and slim with his medium length ginger hair pulled back into a single braid, stopped at the sound of the familiar voice and spun around to see Qui-Gon coming towards him.   
  
"Qui-Gon," he said as he offered his hand. "I thought I saw you standing near the back wall in there. I didn't realize there were so many Jedi attending this evening. But it's good to see you. How are you and Obi-Wan?"  
  
"We're both well. Busy though. The council enjoys exhausting us with these back to back to back missions. It's been nice to remain on Coruscant for the past couple weeks. How have you been?"  
  
"Things are okay. Difficult lately, but soon to improve."  
  
"And Taj? Is he well?"  
  
Jerra took a deep breath. Now he knew the real reason for Qui-Gon's visit. The emerald green eyes blinked in understanding. He'd intercepted many of his Kenobi's messages to his padawan in the past week. It was only a matter of time before he was to be questioned about Taj. "Obi-Wan asked you to speak with me, didn't he?"   
  
"Yes. I'm sorry. He did. We don't mean to intrude on anything, Jerra. But Obi-Wan is worried. Taj hasn't spoken to him in a while. He's concerned that he may have said or done something that perhaps pushed Taj away."  
  
"It's..." he paused to consider the public area they were in, then took Qui-Gon's arm and directed him to the end of the hall and into a quiet meditation room. He took a quick look around and was satisfied that they were alone. "I promised Taj that I wouldn't talk about his...issues with anyone."  
  
"I'm sorry, Jerra. If it's something personal, then maybe it's best if I don't know. I don't want to intrude."  
  
The older master studied his friend for a moment. He trusted Qui-Gon. Trusted him more than anyone he'd ever known. And in a way, it would help his own mindset if he did have a friend who knew what he'd been holding back for so long now. A flash of confidence from the Force and Jerra had made his decision.  
  
"It's nothing Obi-Wan has done. Please let him know that." He stopped for a moment to get reassurance once more from the Force that this was the right thing to do. Then he continued. "Taj...suffers from depression."  
  
"Oh," was the only response Qui-Gon could manage at the unexpected news.  
  
"It was diagnosed two years ago while we were on a mission. I'd noticed a great change in him. His attitude. How he carried himself. His unwillingness to talk. And the need to sleep all of the time. We were on Gamus II. I got so concerned that I had him to a doctor there. Gamus is well known to have some of the best medical personnel in the galaxy, so I felt comfortable enough with them. But to be sure, I had Taj see the temple healers when we returned home. It's a chemical imbalance that causes it. Sometimes brought on by stress. He's on a daily regime of medicine to help control the imbalance, and it works most of the time. But there are periods when it overwhelms him. The depression hits hard. It's happened maybe seven or eight times in these last two years, these intense down times."  
  
Qui-Gon questioned Jerra carefully on the subject. Wary, but trying to understand further. "And when he gets like this, he withdrawals?"  
  
"Yes. He's very sensitive about it. Uncomfortable with talking about what he has to deal with. He thinks no one will understand. And it is such a difficult illness to understand. The last thing he wants to do is explain it over and over. So he pulls back. And in the process, pushes people away."  
  
"Obi-Wan said he wouldn't acknowledge his calls."  
  
"Please don't think bad of Taj, Qui-Gon. This is not something he wished upon himself. And he's doing his best to deal with what's been given to him. Taj is a wonderful apprentice. Very willing and bright. He's a good person. But he struggles with something beyond his control."  
  
Shaking his head, Qui-Gon put a hand on his friends arm. "No, Jerra. I didn't mean for it to sound like I was critical of Taj. I can honestly say I know very little about depression. I don't understand it or what a person who suffers from it must go through. From what I've seen of Taj, he is indeed a wonderful young man. He and Obi-Wan have a great deal in common, and when they are around each other, I find myself almost consumed by their energy. I would never think that depression could affect a boy who seems to truly enjoy life so much."  
  
"He does enjoy life. And he will again, once he can get past this most recent spell. It saps his energy. It gets to the point where the only thing he'll be interested in, is sleeping. He can push himself if needed, as he did during that mission on Gamus. But it's a different Taj than I am used to. I'm still learning how to deal with him when he gets like this. I am trying to understand. At times I don't know what to do, or even what to say. He'll talk to me some, but most of the time when the depression is at it's worst, he even pushes me away," Jerra finished sadly and then said, "Qui-Gon, please keep this confidential. It's very important that others don't know about this. It's up to Taj to tell his friends, if he chooses to."  
  
"Would it be okay to let Obi-Wan know? If I ask him to keep this in confidence, he will."  
  
After a few moments, Jerra agreed. "I will let Taj know. But it's not a subject that Obi-Wan should bring up when they are together. If Taj wishes to talk about it, he will."  
  
"I understand."  
  
"You know, it's funny," Jerra reflected. "When I first made the decision to take Taj as my apprentice, I spoke with his group leader. He told me that Taj goes through what he called 'sad periods.' He would do his work and the training that was required, but he asked to work alone during those times. But he never said why. I sense that was the beginning of what he now deals with on a more extreme level."  
  
"It was never checked out by the healers when he was younger?" Qui-Gon asked.  
  
"No. Taj would just tell them that sometimes, he got sad. And since physically he was doing fine and his studies didn't suffer, they didn't pursue it further."  
  
"And if they had?"  
  
"I asked Terran that same question. He's told me that it wouldn't have made much of a difference. Depression is not preventable and the medicines, while they help to stabilize when it gets really severe, the only thing that will help is time. That is the best thing Obi-Wan can do for him right now. Just understand that Taj is in a down period and to give him space until he can work himself through it."  
  
Qui-Gon could hear, deep down, the hurt coming through the other Jedi's tone. "This is difficult for you as well. I can hear it in your voice. Feel it from you."  
  
Jerra nodded. "It is. Very difficult. Taj means a great deal to me. It's painful to see him suffer like this. Even though I know that he'll eventually be okay, it hurts. Especially during those periods when he pushes me away. The mood in our quarters right now is very unsettled. There are times though, occasionally, when he feels like the world is closing in on him, that he'll come to me and he'll just want me to hug him or sit with him. He doesn't talk during times like that, he just wants the comfort and the companionship. Almost like he needs to know that someone cares. So I sit there with him as long as needed and offer silent support."  
  
"He loves you very much, Jerra. I know that just from seeing you both together. How he pays attention to your every word, and tries his best to make you proud of him. And I know that makes these that much more difficult for you personally. Do you have anyone to talk to this about?"  
  
"I spoken with Terran a bit. And he also gave me the name of a counselor who specializes in Jedi with emotional difficulties. I've been thinking of getting Taj to meet with him. I think sometimes it might help for him to talk things out with someone who is not judgmental about his illness."  
  
"But you..."  
  
"You are the first person who I've really spoken to in depth about this. I have to admit, it does feel good to talk about the situation. I think I've bottled it up because Taj didn't want me to say anything. It's worn on me."  
  
"I'm always available, Jerra. Anytime you need to talk or if you just need company. Even if I am off-planet. You have my comm number. Talk as much as you need to. I'll get back to you as soon as I am able. I'd like to help in whatever way I can." Qui-Gon had moved forward and placed a supportive hand on his friend's arm.  
  
The tall Jedi smiled. "Thank you, Qui-Gon. That means a lot. I do need this. I do need to have an outlet. It's not healthy to hold things in." He laughed sarcastically. "I don't know now many times I've told my own padawan that very same thing. I should heed my own words."  
  
"I tell myself the same thing. Why is it so easy to teach the lessons but when it comes time to heeding them, we hesitate?"  
  
"I wish I knew," Jerra replied. "I should get home. I told Taj I wouldn't be gone long.  
  
"You call me if you need to. Any time. Okay?" The younger Jedi grasped the hand of the older.  
  
"I will."  
  
"And if there is anything we can do for Taj, you just let us know."  
  
Jerra leaned forward and drew his friend into a brief embrace. "Thank you, Qui-Gon."  
  
~*~  
  
When Jerra returned to his apartment, he called out to his padawan. Taj slowly forged his way out of the bedroom and dropped himself onto the couch. His brown skin hiding the dark circles under his eyes only slightly. His normally black eyes had changed to almost a pale blue in his weariness.   
  
Jerra sat on the small table in front of the couch. He needed to be able to look into the young man's face. "Have you been sleeping?"  
  
Taj shook his head. "Can't."  
  
"You want me to help you?"  
  
"No, Master." Then he looked over at his teacher. "Where did you go?"  
  
"After the meeting, I ran into Qui-Gon. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I...I told him what your situation was. I told him about your depression."  
  
A desperate look crossed the tired face. "Master, you promised me. I don't want anyone to know. Why did you do that?"  
  
"Before you get angry with me, hear me out. We started talking, Qui-Gon and I, and one thing led to another. The Force was leading me to tell him. And I needed to tell...someone. I need a friendly ear to listen to my pains. Taj, I know how difficult this is for you. And it pains me to no end to see you suffer and knowing that anything I do won't help things. I can't sit here and watch you go through this and not be affected. You are my apprentice. The closest thing I will ever have to a son. When you hurt, I hurt. And I need to talk these things out. I trust Qui-Gon more than I do myself. He would never betray my confidence."  
  
Taj dropped his head. A tear escaped. He'd never given thought to how much his master hurt. Always so consumed with the darkness that was overwhelming him, he'd forgotten about Master Jerra. He had become an inconvenience to his own master. The man who had always taken such care of him when he most needed it. "I'm sorry, Master. I don't mean to be a burden to you."  
  
"Padawan, no. You are not in any way a burden to me. Why would you think that?"  
  
"You are forced to completely change your life around for me when I get like this."  
  
"That doesn't mean that you are burden. You will never be that to me, Taj. Never. All I want is to be there for you if you need me. If you have to push me away for a time, that's okay. I know you need that time away from everything. But at the same time, I can't hold my own emotions in. That is ultimately why I told Qui-Gon this evening. He's a good friend, Taj. I need him as I need you."  
  
"What about Obi-Wan? He'll know."  
  
"Obi-Wan is the reason that Qui-Gon came to speak with me to begin with. He was worried that he'd done something to upset you since you haven't returned any of his calls. You know, Obi-Wan. He would never betray information that has been trusted to him as secret. But knowing, it will allow him to learn to understand. It will show him that you need space to recover from your depression. And you'll know how good of a friend you have in him, when he accepts you for what you are. Faults and all. Maybe you'll be able to talk to him eventually about some of what you suffer through." He put a hand on Taj's knee. "I only want what is best for you, Padawan. I don't wish to cause you anymore pain."  
  
The boy nodded and wiped at the tears that had begun to fall so easily. "Master, I don't like feeling this way. I can't deal with this anymore. I wish you could make it stop. I wish..." He broke down before he could complete his thought.   
  
Immediately, Jerra was at his side and folding him into a strong embrace. "I wish I could make it stop too. More than anything in the galaxy I wish that. But the Force has given us this challenge. It's up to us what to do with it. I know this is hard. I know. But, I'm here, Taj. Whenever you need me to be."  
  
Auburn hair buried in the masters tunic, Taj cried for a long time. The pent up emotions of the past week driving him to finally give in completely. He held to his master as if he was a lifeboat. And to Taj, who during this time felt more and more like he was drowning, Master Jerra was just that.   
  
He stayed in his master's arms until fatigue gave way to a deep sleep. Carried to his bed and tucked into the warm blankets, he rested comfortably through the night.  
  
~*~  
  
Obi-Wan was eagerly awaiting Qui-Gon's return from speaking with Master Jerra. It took great restraint to keep from bombarding his master with questions as soon as he walked through the door. Instead he followed the man with his eyes as he made his way into the apartment and then to the kitchen before answering to Obi-Wan's silent anticipation.   
  
"I did speak to Jerra. And I know you want to know what's going on. But you have to give me your word as a Jedi that you will not say anything about this to anyone. Not to your friends. No one. This is to be kept in confidence."  
  
The boy flinched slightly. It had to be something bad if he was being asked to keep it a secret. But he could tell by Qui-Gon's tone of voice and by the deepness of his eyes that this was a serious situation. "I understand, Master. Whatever you tell me will stay between you and I."  
  
"Jerra and I had a long conversation about what is going on with Taj. First of all, you need to know that he's not angry with you in any way. Okay? There is nothing you did or said that had caused him to withdrawal from you."  
  
"Then why is he doing it?"  
  
"Taj suffers from depression. It's something he's dealt with on a very serious level for a couple years now."  
  
"Depression...but he never seems sad when I'm with him."  
  
"It doesn't affect him all the time. Most of the time he's just like you know him to be. Happy and energetic. Other times, this illness causes him to become the complete opposite." Qui-Gon went on to explain the chemical imbalance and the symptoms that set in for Taj when the depression becomes to intense.   
  
"So that's why he won't answer my messages. Why he won't talk to me right now. He just needs time away from everything to deal with this." Obi-Wan hung his head. "I should have sensed something was wrong. I should have known not to send all those messages to him. I probably only added to his stress. He felt like I was pushing him before he was ready. I didn't know, Master. I'm sorry."  
  
Qui-Gon came to sit next to his apprentice on the couch. "It's all right, Obi-Wan. You didn't understand the situation. You two spend so much time together and then all of the sudden he disappears and stops talking to you. It leaves you in a difficult situation of not knowing what happened and not knowing what to do. Now things are a bit clearer. Not easier, but clearer. You know what can affect him. And you have to learn how to respect his illness. He needs you to understand that there is little he can do to prevent the depression. As tough as it is for you to feel as if your friend is ignoring you, and I can see how much that hurts, at the same time you have to see things from his point of view. Things are dark for him. And until the light can began to filter back in, he needs your understanding. That is the most important aspect of your friendship right now."  
  
A heavy sigh escaped from Obi-Wan's slouched form. "I don't want to add to his burden, Master. But the longer this goes on, the more I wonder about our friendship. And I wonder if things ever been as they were before between us. I miss him."  
  
"I know you do," Qui-Gon replied as he placed a hand on the padawan's knee. "It's not easy for any of those involved. But Jerra tells me that Taj will work himself out of this eventually. This is not the first time this has hit him, and it won't be the last." Qui-Gon then tried to turn things to an area that might assist Obi-Wan in handling this. "There are a couple things you might do to help yourself through this. Do research on depression. Find out more about what the symptoms are. Research information on others who have friends with depression. What do they do? How do they help? Depression affects millions of people, Obi-Wan. Jedi are no exception. There are others out there who have walked in your shoes. They feel the pain and loss as you do. I also want you to talk to me about what you are feeling. Don't hold those emotions in. Use me as a sounding board for your frustrations if you need to. Throw yourself into the Force. Any anger you may feel, and I do sense some anger in you, use what you've learned about deep meditation to find an outlet for that release. If you are angry at Taj, angry at yourself, don't pen those feelings in."  
  
"Is it okay that I am angry with him?"  
  
"Yes. That's a normal human emotion. You are angry with him because instead of coming to you and telling you that he needs time away from things, he just disappears, leaving you to wonder and worry. Is that right?"  
  
Obi-Wan nodded.   
  
"It's okay to feel that way, Obi-Wan. You know your side of the situation. Until now, you had no idea of his side. But now you do. So after you release that anger, try and see things as he does. Understand that this is not something that he wants to have happen. And maybe he doesn't know what to do either when this happens. Okay?"  
  
"Yes, Master. I need to be a better friend to him. I think I'll go do some research on my computer before I go to bed."  
  
"Good idea." The master then smiled as a thought came to him. "How about while you start that, I make a quick run to Dex's for a little dessert. Karrin berries with chocolate cream?"  
  
A shy smile crossed the sixteen-year-old's face at the mention of his favorite dessert. "I would love that, Master."  
  
Qui-Gon put an arm around the boy and gave a short squeeze. "I think it'll cheer us both up. I'll be back in just a bit." He got up from the couch and began moving towards the door.  
  
"Tell Dex hello for me, Master."  
  
"I will, Padawan."  
  
~*~  
  
The next week was the same for Obi-Wan. Even though he knew about the depression that afflicted his friend, and he'd found out more information about the illness, it was still hard for the young Jedi to deal with the sudden silence that had become his friendship with Taj. Two weeks now and not a word from his fellow padawan. It was beyond frustrating. But he did well to release his feelings into the Force as Qui-Gon had instructed. It did help to an extent.   
  
He also took advantage of Jerra's visits with Qui-Gon to ask about Taj. It wasn't until the middle of week three that the master had a small amount of good news to report.  
  
"He's showing signs that things might be turning around," Jerra said as the three of them sat down for lunch in the dining hall. They were well isolated at a corner table. His mood has improved a bit and he's not so tired all of the time. This has been his most severe attack since the depression was diagnosed. We are both learning things about the illness which we didn't know before. Give him more time, Obi-Wan. I know it's important for you to need to know how he is. And I know you miss his company. But this is the best way he knows how to handle this. I think we're moving in the right direction now."  
  
"I don't mean to be a pain, Master Jerra. I'm just worried is all."  
  
"I know you are. And I appreciate that. You're a good friend to my padawan. He's told me many times in the past what a great time you both have together. You'll see those times again soon enough. Bear with us."  
  
Obi-Wan nodded and turned his attention to his food.  
  
~*~  
  
At the end of week three, Obi-Wan had just returned from a tough work out with his master. Qui-Gon had gone off to meet with the council after cleaning up, while the padawan decided to see what there was to eat in the kitchen. When he walked in the door to his apartment, he saw that the message light on his data pad lighting up. He punched in his code.   
  
The message was from Taj.  
  
Hi, Obi-Wan. How have you been? I'm okay, I guess. Master Jerra   
told me that you'd asked about me. I'm having a hard time getting past   
this, but things are somewhat better. It just takes time, I think.  
  
Taj  
  
A sad smile spread across Obi-Wan's face. He could feel the pain in Taj's written words. The short message sounded almost gloomy. Not the Taj that Obi-Wan had gotten to know so well over the past few years. But he was also aware now that this illness was part of his friend. That he would have to accept and learn to understand it if he was to keep a close friendship with the older padawan.  
  
This was a start. A short message. If nothing else, it said to Obi-Wan that there was still a friendship there. Something he'd had more and more doubts about as the days and weeks went on. Now he needed to respond, but in a way that's wouldn't pressure Taj. He sat down, with his data pad in his lap and began to carefully construct his reply message.  
  
Hi, Taj. I'm glad things are getting better. I've been worried about   
you. Take care of yourself. That's what's most important right now.   
I miss you.  
  
Obi-Wan  
  
The emotions of the past weeks temporally got the best of Kenobi, and as he was typing his message, several tears escaped. He quickly wiped them away and hit the send key. Hoping he'd done the right thing by replying.  
  
When he didn't hear back from Taj again that day, he began to question his actions. Maybe he should not have replied to his friend. Maybe he should have said less. The emotions warred within him and again he worried that he'd done something he shouldn't have.   
  
Qui-Gon got home later that evening. Obi-Wan greeted him with a solemn mood. "Hi, Master. How did your meeting go?"  
  
"The council has the habit of putting people to sleep with the way they conduct meetings. I barely escaped without being caught with my eyes closed." He paused for a moment to take in the distressing atmosphere of the room. "Obi-Wan?"  
  
"I heard from Taj today. He left a message on my data pad. He said he was doing okay. Getting better. So I responded to him with just a short note. But I haven't heard back."  
  
Qui-Gon smiled. "That's a good sign that he spoke to you. But don't expect things to return to normal automatically. It looks like he's taking small steps at getting back to his regular routine. Don't push to hard. He'll get back to you when he's up to it. Time, Obi-Wan. Time."  
  
"I know, Master. I'm trying."  
  
"Think of this as a test in patience. One of your more prominent struggles. There is a lesson to be learned here."  
  
Obi-Wan managed a small laugh at his master's uncanny ability to find a lesson in anything. And he was right. One of his constant battles was patience. He was always to eager. This time he had no choice but to wait. And that was always the hardest part.  
  
~*~  
  
Through the routine of the next days, Obi-Wan did his best not to let the situation with Taj worry him so much. He did hear from his friend several more times and he could definitely begin to see that Taj was working his way back to normalcy.   
  
But it surprised Obi-Wan when he and Qui-Gon decided to take in a late dinner in the dining hall, that over in the corner there were two familiar faces. Master Jerra Derson and his Padawan, Taj Elim.  
  
"Master?"  
  
"I see them, Obi-Wan. Go ahead and make your way over there. It won't hurt to just stop for a moment and say hi.   
  
The pair edged around the tables of the large but almost empty room. Obi-Wan eventually came to stand next to the table. He held his food tray in his hand. Taj looked up at him.  
  
"Hi, Taj."  
  
The dark complexion of the older apprentice hid nothing of the fatigue that was still present, but he smiled at the sight of his friend.  
  
"Hi, Obi-Wan. Master Qui-Gon. It's good to see you both." After a moment of pause, he continued. "Won't you join us?"  
  
The conversation was kept light and there was no real mention of Taj's illness. But that was fine with everyone. It was a slightly awkward situation for the padawans, after so many weeks of almost complete silence, but they each did well. And by the time they had finished their dinner, the tension that had been there in the beginning, had given way to a more enjoyable feeling of contentment.   
  
Taj and Jerra got up from the table. "Obi-Wan, if you're not busy tomorrow, maybe we can talk a walk somewhere. I've not been out much recently. I could use the exercise."  
  
"Sure," Obi-Wan said. Shocked by the request. "That would be great. We can maybe visit the waterfall gardens."  
  
"I haven't been there in years. I'd like that. I'll call you sometime tomorrow then."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Goodnight, Obi-Wan. Goodnight, Master Qui-Gon."   
  
They watched the pair make their way from the room and past the doors. Jerra had an arm around his padawan's shoulders the entire time.  
  
Qui-Gon looked at his own student. "I think, Obi-Wan, that things will be okay. He looks like he's just about ready to try routine life again."  
  
"I hope so, Master. It's hard to watch a friend when they hurt. It's a feeling that I don't much care for."  
  
"Nor do I, Padawan. Just remember to take things slow with Taj. Follow his lead. If you sense him not comfortable with a subject you brought up or something to that nature, don't force anything on him."  
  
I think this whole experience has been one of my toughest lessons. But I have learned from it, Master."  
  
"I'm glad. I think we've all learned something. But it's not enough to learn, you must remember."  
  
"I will, Master. I promise."  
  
~*~  
  
Taj and Obi-Wan shared several hours the next day visiting. The long walk did them both good. Taj was not overly talkative, but he was company. Just like the evening before in the dining hall, conversation was kept away from any serious subjects. It brought a more relaxed feeling to the hours they spent together.   
  
Yet, as they walked home towards Taj's apartment, he stopped his friend in the hall just outside the door. The mood did become somber for a short time.   
  
"I know I'm not the best company for you right now, Obi-Wan. I'm trying to get things back to normal. I really am. But it's not easy. And I hope you don't think it bad of me that I haven't spoken to you about my depression. It's just that...it's a very sensitive subject for me. Very personal. I don't want the added pressure of everyone knowing my problems and giving their advice on what I need to make myself feel better again. Actually, the only people I've talked to this about are Healer Terran and my master. That's been tough enough for me. Just...bear with me, okay?"  
  
"It's okay, Taj. I've been doing some research on depression to find out more about what it might feel like. I can only read the words that others have said about it. I can't actually experience it, so I'll never truly know all that you endure. But I know that I refuse to judge you on any illness you may have. I just want you to know that if you ever need a friendly ear, I'm a good listener. If ever you feel the need to talk with a peer rather than an authority, I'm here."  
  
"You're a good listener and a good friend, Obi-Wan. Thank you for trying to understand and for sticking with me through this. It means everything to know that I haven't lost a close friend because of this illness."  
  
Obi-Wan remained supportive. He refused to allow any of the anger that he had felt, and still felt to be thrust onto Taj. There remained a part of him that was not happy with Taj. The older apprentice had left him to worry and to wonder for far to long. If they were truly that close of friends, then understanding had to be a two-way street. But he saw that sincerity and the exhaustion in the eyes before him, and he was determined to keep those frustrations to himself. Master Qui-Gon had told him that it was okay to be angry, but that he needed to deal with those negative emotions in a positive way. So later he would find a peaceful spot to meditate and allow the Force to take any abuse he could give it.   
  
Finally, he said, "I can't pretend to understand, but I can be there for you if you need me."  
  
Taj reached forward and hugged his friend. It felt so good to know that someone cared about him enough to absorb all the emotions of the past few weeks. "Thank you, Obi-Wan."  
  
Returning the embrace, Obi-Wan spoke muffled words. "If I can ever help in anyway..."  
  
"I know where to turn." Taj released Obi-Wan. "I think I could use some rest. Master Jerra wants me to get back into sparring tomorrow. So, I'd better be prepared. Maybe I'll see you in the gym this week."  
  
"I hope so. I'll talk to you soon, Taj."  
  
"Thanks for your friendship, Obi-Wan. See you soon."  
  
The padawan retreated into his quarters and Obi-Wan hurried home to tell Master Qui-Gon about his visit with Taj. He felt happy for the first time in a long time. Things were slowly returning to normal. There would be times to come when he'd have to put all that he'd learned from this to use again, but he would go into it with a better knowledge of depression. A better understanding of what depression did to it's victims. He would know that most importantly, that no matter what the circumstances, he and Taj needed each other. And he held that thought to his heart. Even in the worst of times, their friendship would find a way to survive.  
  
END 


	2. Epilogue

TITLE: Uncertain (Epilogue to Understanding)  
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)  
RATING: PG  
SUMMARY: Pre-TPM. Non-Slash. Obi-Wan POV. This is an epilogue of sorts to my fic, 'Understanding,' in which Obi-Wan is trying to deal with a friends battle with depression.  
ARCHIVE: This story is not available for archiving.  
FEEDBACK: Always appreciated.  
MY WEBSITE:   
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.  
  
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Uncertain  
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I am angry. Frustrated. Worried. Uncertain.  
  
This is how I feel during these times when silence reigns over my friendship with Taj. He suffers from depression, and from time to time the illness hits so hard that it seems to not only break him down, but it also seems to pull us apart.   
  
During periods like this, I seem not to exist for him. No matter what good experiences we've had in the past, none of that seems to matter. Perhaps he doesn't even think about me.   
  
I know this is difficult for him. And I try to understand, but it's not easy to hold back all the emotions that I feel when he gets like this. It's not something he brings onto himself. Nor does he wish for this. But does he remember that I have feelings too? Does he know how painful it is on this end when he ignores any attempt I make at contact? How hard could it be for him to take a few seconds to tell me that he just needs time and won't be around to talk for a while. Or does he not care enough about my feelings for that. I've been there for him countless times. Offering a kind ear to listen to his complaints. His anger. Haven't I done enough to deserve a simple note from him that tells me he's okay and he just needs time alone?   
  
Sometimes I wonder why I am so dedicated to this friendship. It's not easy. And it wears on me. There are times when Taj will go almost a month with very little contact with me. I question my role in his life. He tells me that he needs me. That I am important to him. But at time like this, I really wonder about that. I feel disposable. Like I don't matter to him.  
  
Yet, I stick with him. I am always there when the depression lifts and he's able to return to life as it used to be. And as things go back to normal, I try and forget the uncertainties and frustrations of the past weeks. But I can't completely forget them. The pain that I felt when I was pushed away will always be there in the back of my mind. It will always linger. Does he have any idea how much it hurts me? I've never told him. And I don't intend to. It will only add undue pressure onto what is already a trying time for him.   
  
Maybe it's my own selfishness that I feel. Maybe I need to understand his illness better.   
  
Is it wrong of me to wish that Taj look past himself and see my feelings in all this? That maybe I worry and I care about him and what he goes through?   
  
The frustration grows with each passing day. I try to reach out to the Force. Try to push away the anger I feel. But it hangs over me. Hangs over our friendship. And I think it always will.  
  
I care about Taj. He is one of the closest friends I have. But sometimes I wonder if this friendship is worth it. Is it worth the stress and upset emotions that I feel when the depression hits?   
  
I've spoken with Master Qui-Gon about this. He's really the only one available, because of Taj's wish to keep his illness hidden from other friends and Jedi. My master can say all those pretty words as he comforts me. Saying that in time everything will be okay, and I do appreciate his effort. But it doesn't stop my frustrations. My anger. My uncertainty.   
  
For whatever reason, the Force has brought Taj and myself together. Perhaps it's because we need each other. I know I need him. But does he really need me? If I really mattered as much to him as he says I do...why don't I feel that? Why does he leave me to wonder and worry about the future of our friendship?  
  
Is this selfish of me? Partially, yes. Taj is dealing with something that hurts his very soul. Crushes him enough so that all he wants to do during the day is sleep. It is selfish of me to think that he should be worrying about me when he's going through hell.  
  
Yet, that still doesn't stop me from being angry. I put a great deal into this friendship.   
  
Maybe I put to much into it.   
  
Maybe it's time for me to just go away and not bother him anymore with my company.   
  
But I can't do that. I care to much about him. We've been through a lot together. And I think that during these times, there is some part of Taj that cares about me as well.   
  
For now, I am left to ponder what lies ahead for us. Will things ever return to the way they were. Past experience says yes. My heart and mind aren't so sure.   
  
And that leaves me...uncertain.  
  
END 


End file.
